To my best friend…..

I have known you for as long as I can remember. We met in elementary school and somehow managed to stay friends through all these years. We are in our thirties and now have our own families. We finally have another chance to live in the same city again now that I have moved here. I had high hopes of growing old with you and being close with your children…..sharing our lives together again. That’s why it deeply saddens me now to have to say that I think I left you back in high school….the days when we were careless and irresponsible together and I shared in your indulgences.

I don’t know what’s happened, or even how to fix it. I know you have a new best friend….the one you always turn to, the one that is more fun than me, the one who is your solution to life’s problems. I wish I could compete but the more and more I try, the more I realize it’s not possible. We are too different. We work well from a distance, but not in close quarters.

I could overlook our differences when it comes to almost everything in our lives, but I can’t overlook this. This hurts me personally. This hurts our friendship. This is slowly destroying your life and your family’s life, but you can’t see it. I can see it. But I don’t know how to tell you. If I do tell you, I know you will only turn again to your new best friend, the one you even share with your husband…..you know her name…..whether it’s beer or whiskey, her name is the same.

Alcohol.

Silence does not equal Weakness

I may sit here and keep quietly to myself, but don’t mistake my silence as weakness. It is possible that I sit here quietly because you never shut up. Or it could be that you never say anything of any interest to me. Or maybe it is because when I do speak, you are so self-involved that you continuously interrupt me or negate what I say.

Does my silence make you uncomfortable forcing you to fill the void with your ignorant chatter? Are you forced to make assumptions about my life and my character? What a concept it would be for you to actually ask me about my life AND listen when I answer.

Quiet. Shy. Innocent. Sweet. Nice. All these words used to describe me by people I spend atleast 8 hours a day with. If you knew me, you would never choose the first 3 words on that list. I am not innocent. I am not shy. I am not quiet. I choose to be quiet because of the lack of a two-sided conversation. If I spoke and told you how I felt or what I thought, the sky would come crashing down and my words would cut you like daggers. You don’t want the truth. You want what makes you feel comfortable and what is deemed “acceptable and polite”.

You don’t know me. You have no authority to judge me. You are the one who is weak. My silence is my strength.